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Customer Service Discloses Call Will Be Monitored For Sadistic Amusement

NEW YORK—As part of what the telecommunications giant characterizes as an ongoing commitment to transparency, Verizon’s customer service line began…

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Local

Japanese Monk Racks
Brain For Haiku That Will Knock
Them On Their Asses

HIRAIZUMI- CHŌ, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN— Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for…
Real Estate

Great Home For Hand Soap

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are…
Weddings

Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler

The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn’t even in a church—and they both wore tennis shoes!
Local

Man Totally Nerding Out About Superiority Of White Race

COLUMBIA, MO—In a display of enthusiasm that revealed a deep familiarity with the subject, local man Luke Price was said to be totally nerding out…
Obituaries

Mike Gomez

Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.
Local

Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of…

Real Estate

Look Who You’ve Become

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse. Reference #17806
Weddings

Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.
Local

Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor
Local

Mom Impressed By Tattooed Person’s Manners

HILLIARD, OH—Reluctantly admitting to the table that she might have been too quick to judge, local mother Janet Greenbaum told family members Thursday that she…
Obituaries

Francine Holmes

Francine Holmes, 73, passed away Wednesday after three hours of successful surgery followed by four hours of unsuccessful surgery.
Local

Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer

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