Local

’Look Away, I Am An Abomination,’ He Says

BERKELEY, CA—A clear typographical error was discovered yesterday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed metal bands and Sanrio/Hello…

Princeton University’s renowned Institute for Advanced Studies revealed yesterday that the middle class, known to French social theorists as the “petit-bourgeoisie,” failed in over 98…

AUSTIN, TX—Since the 1970s, “Bong on a Drum” and “Party Hopper” have been competitors, offering high-quality decorative smoking pipes, tie-dyed T-shirts and multi-purpose nitrous-oxide dispensers.…

CHICAGO—City bulldozers rolled through the South Side’s Marcus Garvey Park yesterday, crushing a single red rose growing from a sidewalk crack. The rose, which for…

‘It’s Been Done,’ Say Officials

It’s been more than a little sluggish around university senior Eric Wheeler’s apartment these days. Work isn’t getting done. Classes are being skipped. And assignments…

BOSTON—Terminally ill 5-year-old Timmy McWinn, formerly of Medford, MA, had one wish before his tragic death last week: to be visited one last time by…

Jack Corso is not your typical young American. While most 23-year-olds these days are busy starting families and buying homes in the “suburbs,” Corso spends…

To 14-year-old Milton Hervishbolt, the thrill of an efficient checkmate used to be the most rousing bodily sensation imaginable.