Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Commentary

Commentary

Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally…

Commentary

I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume
Commentary

Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process
Commentary

I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships
Commentary

The Cost Of This Wedding Is Making Me Matri-moan-y!

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

Commentary

Jean’s Own Goals

So one bright morning around nine, sunlight streaming through her mini-blinds, your ol’ pal Jean rolled out of bed (literally!), slurped a mug of piping…
Commentary

C’mon, Everybody, There’s Too Many Of Us For Them To Stop Us From Jerking Off All At Once!

Gather ’round, friends, and lend me your ears! Today, I bring to you a marvelous proposition, one that can become a reality with everyone’s help.…
Commentary

If I Take A Bullet For My Child, How Will They Learn To Take Bullets Themselves?

Like every parent, I want my kids to be safe. I know that for my young daughter and son to grow and thrive, they need…
Commentary

You Sure You’re In The Mood For Another Wes Anderson Film With Everything That’s Going On?

Hey, guys. It’s me, acclaimed filmmaker Wes Anderson. I just finished my latest movie, The Phoenician Scheme, and it’s going to be great. It’s got…
Commentary

There’s No Such Thing As A Free Piggyback Ride

Every entitled freeloader these days thinks they can get something for nothing. Complimentary this, state-sponsored that, just so long as they’re not the ones who…
Commentary

Ow

Wow, what a lovely backyard! It sure was kind of that family to hoist me so high into the air so I could enjoy swaying…

Commentary

You Can’t Even Watch A Movie Anymore Without Seeing Some Theme Explored

I’ve loved movies ever since I was a little kid. Just stepping into that dark theater, with the smell of fresh popcorn, was like being…
Commentary

You’re Not The Man I Married—You’re Significantly More Attractive And Loving

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed.…
Commentary

The Doctors Telling Us Not To Drink Our Urine Probably Just Want It For Themselves

Let me start by saying I’ve got nothing against doctors in general. My niece is a doctor. Most of them are warm, professional, and highly…
Commentary

Am I Ugly?

So this is kind of awkward but it’s been on my mind lately and I know it’s probably nothing but I’ve gotta ask. And be…
Commentary

If Females Could Get Pregnant, There’d Be An Abortion Clinic On Every Coral

Despite the tide of aquatic opinion flowing in favor of reproductive rights for all, marine society still gives male seahorses very little say over what…
Commentary

When We Invited You To Join Our Trivia Team, It Was With The Understanding That You Knew ‘Star Trek’

Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself, Rich. Our team trusted you with the privilege of proving yourself on Trivia Hell Night. But after last…

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest