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Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found…

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Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex

SALT LAKE CITY—With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed…
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WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’
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FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan

SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a…
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Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species…
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Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House

SAN ANTONIO—With the GOP’s redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the…
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Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days’ worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion…

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Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a…
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Study: Average 19th-Century American Spent 93% Of Time Waving At Trains, Boats

PROVIDENCE, RI—Shedding new light on the everyday life of citizens during the Industrial Revolution, historians at Brown University concluded in a study published Tuesday that…
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Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers

According to a new AAA report, a record number of Americans plan to travel 50 miles or more for the holidays this year. The Onion…
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Coast Guard Backtracks On Plan To Reclassify Swastikas As Mascot

WASHINGTON—Reversing course after fierce backlash over the decision’s potentially divisive nature, the U.S. Coast Guard announced Friday that it would abandon plans to reclassify the…
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Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers

Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida’s Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on…
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OpenAI Reveals ChatGPT Primarily Used To Ask If Hot Dog Too Old To Eat

SAN FRANCISCO—Shedding light on how consumers were most likely to interact with the popular software application, a new report published Thursday by OpenAI revealed that…

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