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ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs

CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school…
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Breaking: The Darkness Returns

WASHINGTON—With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had…
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Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On

LOS ANGELES—Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a…
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Vasectomy Hot-Wired

LONG BEACH, CA—Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice…
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ICE Agent, 7-Year-Old Both Wearing Same ‘Military Commando’ Halloween Costume

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Prince Andrew Stripped Of Royal Computer Privileges

LONDON—In a stunning reversal of fortune for the controversy-plagued younger brother of King Charles III, Buckingham Palace announced Friday that the former Prince Andrew Mountbatten…
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China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans

SEOUL—In a historic trade agreement that President Donald Trump touted as a major win for an American farmer, China reportedly agreed Thursday to purchase 11…
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Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers

The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out “Operation Midway Blitz” since early September. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the…
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Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press…
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Economists: Hope Your Heart Wasn’t Set On A House

WASHINGTON—In an effort to manage the American people’s expectations, officials at the National Association for Business Economics announced Wednesday that they hoped your heart wasn’t…
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God Could Have Sworn He Put More Gorillas Down There

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion over the primate’s classification as an endangered species on the planet, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He could…

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What To Know About Data Centers

As the use of AI increases, data centers are popping up across the country. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the controversial…
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New Study Finds Elephants Mourn Cancellation Of Favorite TV Shows

NEW HAVEN, CT—Shedding light on the animal’s compassionate nature and pop-culture savvy, a study published Wednesday in the journal Behavioral Ecology And Sociobiology found that elephants mourn…
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How To Join ICE

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump…
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Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Willem Dafoe

ATLANTA—Saying the novelty decoration would add the perfect touch to Halloween yard displays, the Home Depot announced Friday it had begun selling a new 12-foot-tall…
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Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene…
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Secretary Of The Macabre Unveils Initiative To Fill Nation’s Empty Eye Sockets With Maggots

WASHINGTON—In remarks delivered to the White House press corps, the U.S. Secretary of the Macabre unveiled a new departmental initiative Friday that aims to fill…