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Sports

Football, Sports

Vince Lombardi Trophy Clanking Around In Trunk Of Roger Goodell’s Car

Football, Sports

Shedeur Sanders Confident He Can Deliver Everything Browns Fans Have Come To Expect
Football, Sports

Detroit Lions Rookie Asks For Thanksgiving Off
Sports

Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence
Football, Sports

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

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Baseball, Sports

Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body
Football, Sports

Aaron Rodgers Clearly Now Just Taking Beliefs From Commercials He’s Seen

PITTSBURGH—Noting that conversations with the veteran signal-caller had become more perplexing than ever, sources close to Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback…
Sports

Self-Conscious Sumo Wrestler Wears White T-Shirt Into Ring
Basketball, Sports

NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally

NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association issued a statement Monday reaffirming…
Football, Sports

Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands
Football, Sports

Cam Skattebo Assured He’ll Only Be Missing Giants Games

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an effort to console the team’s star running back as he recuperated from a season-ending lower-leg injury, the New York Giants medical…

Football, Sports

Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline
Football, Sports

Arch Manning Running Out Of Polite Ways To Decline Eli’s Mentorship

AUSTIN, TX—Noting that he’d already claimed to be sick, at a dentist appointment, and tied up with an unexpected 9 p.m. football practice, University of…
Basketball, Sports

Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2

MILWAUKEE—Staring down in utter terror at his suddenly oversized pajamas, Milwaukee Bucks power forward Giannis Antetokounmpo reportedly panicked Wednesday after waking up 3-foot-2. “Oh, no,…
Football, Sports

Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy…
Football, Sports

Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold
Sports

Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle

LOS ANGELES—Narrowing his eyes and raising a single finger to silence those around him, local dad Mark Fahlen reportedly shushed his entire family Thursday evening…

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