Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Basketball

Basketball, Sports

NBA Reaffirms Commitment To Gamblers Only Ruining Their Lives Legally

NEW YORK—Following a series of illicit betting scandals that have sent shock waves through the league, the National Basketball Association…

Basketball, Sports

Giannis Antetokounmpo Panicking After Waking Up 3-Foot-2
Basketball, Sports

Victor Wembanyama Reports To Training Camp Having Added 25 Pounds Of Hair
Basketball, Sports

Record-Breaking Number Of Viewers Now Following WNBA Players Home
Basketball, Sports

WNBA Agrees To End Disparity Between Men’s, Women’s Fines

Become A Member Of The Last Functioning Part Of Our Democracy.

Join The Onion Today

Read More

Basketball

Mavericks GM Trades Away All Of Team’s Basketballs

DALLAS—In a move already being described as one of the most surprising transactions in NBA history, Dallas Mavericks general manager Nico Harrison confirmed Tuesday that…
Basketball, Sports

WNBA To Expand Into 3 More Cities As Caitlin Clark Cloning Experiment Nears Completion

NEW YORK—Calling it a “historic moment” in women’s basketball history, the WNBA announced Wednesday that the league would expand into three more cities as its…
Basketball, News, Sports

State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization

WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as…
Basketball

JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun

LOS ANGELES—In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun…
Basketball

Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn’t Free

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that he absolutely would not tolerate another away game that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his…
Basketball

NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited…

Basketball

Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head

DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two…
Basketball

Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume
Basketball

LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He’s Too Old To Play With Them In NBA

LOS ANGELES—Reminding his son that he won’t be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren…
Basketball

WNBA Players Forced To Supplement Incomes During Offseason By Cheerleading For NBA Teams

MINNEAPOLIS—Grabbing their pom-poms before heading out to pump up the crowd, several WNBA players confirmed Thursday that they have been forced to supplement their incomes…
Basketball

LeBron James Denies Son Receiving Preferential Treatment When Being Lifted Up To Dunk

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he treated the 20-year-old the same as any other rookie, Lakers power forward LeBron James denied Wednesday that his son Bronny received…
Basketball

Reformed Ja Morant More Into Swords Now

SALT LAKE CITY—Saying he had learned his lesson following his suspensions by the NBA for two incidents in which he brandished firearms, a reformed Ja…

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest