Horoscopes

Virgo

(August 23 to September 22):

Love is blind, but unfortunately it can still smell you.

Libra

(September 23 to October 22):

Don’t panic—if you can find a baby that looks just like yours, your wife might not notice.

Scorpio

(October 23 to November 21):

While you aren’t descended from Egyptian royalty, you will soon have the honor of dying in one of their tombs.

Sagittarius

(November 22 to December 21):

The stars appreciate your “whistle while you work” philosophy, but pallbearers are typically expected to be silent.

Capricorn

(December 22 to January 19):

The stars didn’t ask for this, you know. They wanted to be a barber.

Aquarius

(January 20 to February 18):

Finding solace in your friends will be key this week, so join a softball league or something to finally make a few.

Pisces

(February 19 to March 20):

That leaf blower you just bought will be on sale next week, chump.

Aries

(March 21 to April 19):

You will never earn the respect of your peers if you keep inviting them to your house for slumber parties.

Taurus

(April 20 to May 20):

Your persistence will pay off after nine attempts to find an unguarded door into the Primetime Emmy Awards.

Gemini

(May 21 to June 20):

Surround yourself with people who have your back—and yes, this vague advice is your go-ahead to cut your dad out of your life.

Cancer

(June 21 to July 22):

There has to be a better way to peel hard-boiled eggs than whatever you’re doing.

Leo

(July 23 to August 22):

Don’t let fear of embarrassment prevent you from speaking your mind and asking important questions, like “Wait, what happened to acid rain?”