Sports

Football, Sports

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic…
Sports

Central European Guy At Other End Of Bar Watching Some Sport With Mallets On Phone

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Speculating that the unnamed individual was unable to find the broadcast on even the most extensive of satellite TV packages, patrons at the Thirsty…
Baseball

Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As ‘The Host’

LOS ANGELES—Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly…
Football, Sports

Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies
Basketball, Sports

Victor Wembanyama Reports To Training Camp Having Added 25 Pounds Of Hair

SAN ANTONIO—Demonstrating his commitment to entering the season in peak physical form, Spurs center Victor Wembanyama reported to training camp Monday having packed on 25…

Sports

Trump Attends Dogfighting Match

LAS VEGAS—Speaking enthusiastically about what he called “a beautiful sport,” President Donald Trump attended a match Monday for the Ultimate Dogfighting Championship. “That’s it, bite his…
Sports

No One On ‘Pat McAfee Show’ Notices A.J. Hawk Dead For Last 3 Days

INDIANAPOLIS—With observers noting that the tragic development evidently has yet to affect the show’s content in any way, reports confirmed Monday that no one working…
Football, Sports

Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won’t Take Bengals’ Insurance

CINCINNATI—Explaining that the ongoing ordeal has added stress to an already difficult week, Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow expressed frustration Friday after the hospital he…
Football, Sports

Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In

ORCHARD PARK, NY—Providing context for anyone who might’ve missed the past 156 years of gridiron action, play-by-play announcer Al Michaels reportedly took time during Thursday…
Football, Sports

Report Finds Majority Of Fumbles Recovered Within First 48 Hours

NEW YORK—In an effort to relieve public concern over the thousands of footballs that go missing every season, an internal report by the National Football…
Football, Sports

Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Describing the practice as “vital to player development,” researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches…