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Geneva Open Introduces Ice Courts

GENEVA—Saying frost-covered courts heralded a new direction for the sport, officials from the Geneva Open defended Monday their decision to hold a tennis tournament on…
Sports

Aaron Rodgers Purchases Lavish Pittsburgh-Area Bunker

PITTSBURGH—After the Steelers signed him to a one-year, $13.6 million deal with performance incentives, quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly purchased a lavish underground bunker Tuesday in…
Basketball, News, Sports

State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization

WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as…
Sports

Michael Strahan Surpasses Diane Sawyer As Good Morning America’s All-Time Sack Leader

NEW YORK—After months of closing in on the former news anchor’s legendary record, Michael Strahan surpassed Diane Sawyer on Friday as Good Morning America‘s all-time sack leader.…
Sports

UFC Clown Jumps Into Octagon To Distract Irate Fighter

SEATTLE—Deftly jumping into the arena’s octagon as audience members cheered and laughed, an Ultimate Fighting Championship clown attempted Saturday to lure an irate fighter’s attention…

Sports

Bill Belichick Fairly Sure He Clapping for Correct Beauty Pageant Contestant
Sports

NBA Combine Tests How Well Prospects DM Models On Instagram

CHICAGO—Evaluating whether top college talent like Ace Bailey, Dylan Harper, and Kasparas Jakučionis can actually clean up on a professional level, the NBA Draft Combine…
Sports

Cooper Flagg’s Agent Negotiates 10% Increase In Textbook Buyback Value At Duke Bookstore

DURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he’s worth, Cooper Flagg’s agent Austin…
Sports

Jordon Hudson Inducted Into NFL Hall Of Fame
Sports

Rockies Pitcher Out With Altitude Sickness After Ascending Mound Too Quickly
Sports

Red Sox Fans Screaming Racial Slurs Throughout Mascot Race

Sports

Aaron Rodgers Goes On Ayahuasca Retreat In Search Of New Interview Anecdote

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca…
Sports

Hush Falls Over Crowd After Bagel Tears ACL In Jumbotron Race

CHICAGO—Thousands of horrified Bulls fans reportedly gasped and shuddered Tuesday when a cartoon bagel tore his ACL in the jumbotron race, a gruesome injury that…
Sports

Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale

SAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court…
Sports

Masters Crowd Whispering Its Lungs Out
Sports

Aaron Rodgers Fuming That NFL Hasn’t Added Expansion Team To Sign Him

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Declaring that this was no way to treat a Super Bowl winner and four-time league MVP, quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he…
Sports

Tiger Woods Claims That In Time He Will Fuck Everyone’s Ex-Wife

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.’s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in…

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