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Star BYU Player Suspended After Testing Positive For Coffee

PROVO, UT—In a crushing blow to the team’s hopes of winning the NCAA men’s tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended…
Basketball

JuJu Watkins Sprains Bun

LOS ANGELES—In what could prove a devastating loss for the top-seeded Big Ten team, University of Southern California star JuJu Watkins reportedly strained her bun…
Sports

March Madness By The Numbers

The 2025 NCAA Division I men’s and women’s basketball tournaments kick off next week. In honor of the season, The Onion examines the key facts…
Sports

Homesick Luka Doncic Gazes Longingly At Photo Of Barren Dallas Office Park

LOS ANGELES—In the aftermath of a stunning trade that saw the point guard move from the Texas city to Los Angeles, a homesick Luka Doncic…
Basketball

Washington Wizards Reminded That Bottled Water In Hotel Room Isn’t Free

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that he absolutely would not tolerate another away game that ended with over $200 in room charges, Washington Wizards coach Brian Keefe reportedly reminded his…

Football

Numerous Teams Express Interest In Aaron Rodgers Playing Elsewhere

NEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources…
Football, Sports

Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super…
Football

Jerry Jones Signs 15-Year, $500 Million Life Extension

ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced…
Football

Philadelphia Enjoys Quiet Week Of Super Bowl Victory Reflection

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying…
Football

Nick Sirianni To Eagles Fans: ‘I Hate All Of You, Fuck You’

NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans…
Football

Trump Regales Jackson Mahomes With Tales Of His Old Groping Days

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media…

Football

Fox Bleeps Out Entire Kendrick Lamar Performance

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar’s entire…
Football

Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called ‘Ham Plinkies’
Football

Travis Kelce Caught Fingering Taylor Swift Under Super Bowl Bleachers
Football

Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet
Football

Trump Asks Which One The Ball
Football

Eagles Score On 99-Yard Tush Push

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