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Super Bowl Coin Toss Fractures World Into Infinite Multiverses Where Eagles Win, Lose, Earth Explodes

NEW ORLEANS—Revealing that the cosmic branching event had startling consequences for the fabric of reality, experts confirmed Sunday that the Super Bowl coin toss had…
Football

Andy Reid Removes Bald Cap for National Anthem
Football

NFL Confirms Players Will Still Wear ‘Fight Bigotry’ Jockstraps

NEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their…
Sports

Girlfriend Likes Part When MMA Fighters Hug
Basketball

NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited…

Basketball

Cooper Flagg Out 2 Weeks Due To Family Trip To Hilton Head

DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two…
Basketball

Muffled Gunshot Heard From Inside Otto The Orange Costume
Basketball

LeBron Pressures Bronny To Have Grandchildren Before He’s Too Old To Play With Them In NBA

LOS ANGELES—Reminding his son that he won’t be on the roster forever, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James reportedly began pressuring Bronny to have grandchildren…
Football

Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements…
Football

NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the…
Football

Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL…

Football

NFL Planning Small, Intimate Super Bowl With Friends, Family

NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he…
Football

Aaron Rodgers Shows Rookies How To Break Down Zapruder Film

NEW YORK—Calling his nightly study sessions the difference between winning and losing the war against the deep state, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers reportedly…
Football

More Parents Say Allowing Child To Play Football Not Worth Risk Of Being Drafted By Jets

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Claiming the awful predicament was every mother and father’s worst nightmare, reports confirmed Tuesday that more parents now say that allowing their children to…
Sports

Dad Wishes Whole Roster Played With Intensity, Passion Of Talentless Special Teamer

CINCINNATI—Lamenting that none of the team’s starters went all out on every play like the undrafted rookie, local dad Hugh Goodwin told reporters Wednesday that…
Sports

Report: ‘La Liga’ Probably Means ‘The League’

NEW YORK—Admitting they felt a reasonable level of certainty about the unfamiliar phrase after stumbling upon it on ESPN.com, the authors of a new report…
Football

Aaron Rodgers Takes Blame For Parts Of Game Where Jets Were Winning

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Apologizing to fans and pledging to do better in the future, New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers demonstrated impressive character this week by…

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