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Larry Summers Announces He Will Step Down From Chair With Belt Around Neck
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Tips For Canning Food At Home

While prices at the grocery store continue to rise, more Americans are turning to shelf-stable preservation methods to save money on food. The Onion shares…
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DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler…
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SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function

WASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday…
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Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guy’s Whole Deal

WASHINGTON—Roundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the…

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Kourtney Kardashian Casually Mentions She Passed Bar Just Fine
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Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple
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‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation

WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined…
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Scientists Confirm Aurora Borealis Will Be Visible On Google Images Tonight

BOULDER, CO—Stressing that it represented an ideal opportunity to see one of nature’s greatest wonders, scientists at the NOAA Space Weather Prediction Center confirmed Thursday…
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MacKenzie Scott Donates $80 Million To Reboot ‘Living Single’

LOS ANGELES—In a move that has drawn widespread praise, billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott reportedly donated $80 million Tuesday to reboot Living Single. “It’s inspiring and refreshing…
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EPA To Monarch Butterflies: ‘Count Your Fucking Days’

WASHINGTON—Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to “count…

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Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist

ARLINGTON, VA—In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded…
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Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut

WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation…
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All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that…
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Cuomo Announces Plan To Govern New York City As Independent
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Soot-Covered Prince Andrew Begging On Street For Child To Molest

LONDON—Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in…
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CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

ATLANTA—As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention…

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