LONDON—Shivering and rubbing his hands together as he attempted to stay warm, a ragged, soot-covered former Prince Andrew was spotted Tuesday on a street in the Whitechapel district of London begging for a child to molest. “Please, sir, may I have a girl? A small one? Surely you have some to spare,” said the disgraced ex-duke of York, who coughed feverishly as disgusted passersby rushed between bakers’ shops and haberdashers, wrenching their coat sleeves away from his filthy, fingerless-gloved hands. “I’ll tend your horses for a mere whiff of a prepubescent bird. I’ll fondle an adult who looks like a moppet—I don’t mind! I haven’t molested in days! My knob is awfully chilly. I beg you sir, have a heart. It’s nearly Christmastime!” At press time, the former prince was reportedly pressing his face against a window and gazing ravenously into the home of a happy family molesting a huge child.
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