Vol 61: Issue 45

Football, Sports

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team…
Local

Tips For Antiquing

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing. Save time by having…
News

Understaffed FAA Recommends Pilots Just Go With Their Gut

WASHINGTON—As fewer air traffic controllers show up for work amid a government shutdown that has halted their pay, the Federal Aviation Administration issued a recommendation…
Entertainment

‘Wicked’ Director Reveals Sequel Will Pick Up Right Where First Branded Tumbler Left Off

LOS ANGELES—Preparing fans to jump back into the beloved world of Oz, Wicked: For Good director Jon M. Chu revealed this week that the upcoming…
American Voices

France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls

France announced that it will suspend Shein’s online marketplace after listings of sex dolls with child-like features emerged, coming as the brand opens its first…
Politics

‘Shut Up, Mother! Shut Up!’ Pleads George W. Bush To Dick Cheney Skeleton Dressed In Suit

CRAWFORD, TX—Lashing out at the overbearing former vice president seated motionless in a rocking chair by the attic window, a distraught George W. Bush shouted,…

American Voices

Tom Brady Clones Dog

Tom Brady revealed that he and his family used non-invasive technology to create a clone of their beloved dog after the original pet passed away.…
Politics

DHS: ‘Daycare Workers Have Walked Freely in This Country For Far Too Long’

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming the Trump administration’s promise to crack down on individuals providing supervision and instruction to youngsters across the United States, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem…
Politics

Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani

Democratic socialist Zohran Mamdani made history Tuesday night when he was elected the first Muslim mayor of New York City. The Onion fact-checks the claims…
Politics

Californians Approve Measure To Redraw ‘Garfield’

SACRAMENTO, CA—Passing the Democrat-backed initiative with a resounding 60% of the vote, Californians overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure this week to redraw the cartoon character…
American Voices

Woman Mistakenly Receives Box Of Human Hands, Fingers

A Kentucky woman who was expecting a delivery of medicine instead mistakenly received a box containing severed human hands and fingers that were meant for…
Politics

Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term

Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment’s prohibition on being elected to the…