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Biologists Announce There Absolutely Nothing We Can Learn From Clams

WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying they saw no conceivable reason to bother with the bivalve mollusks, biologists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution announced Thursday that there…
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Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies…
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Political Profile: Russell Vought

Russell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project 2025, made waves recently by advocating for…
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Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills

NEW YORK—Calling the strategy an “effective solution” for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any…
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Ghoul Americans Celebrate Demonic Heritage Month

CHICAGO—In commemoration of the many historic contributions made to the nation by individuals who feast upon the remains of the dead, Ghoul Americans are coming…

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ICE Raids: Myth Vs. Fact

As Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations ramp up across the country, so has misinformation. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding ICE raids. MYTH: ICE agents…
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ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began

WASHINGTON—Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been…
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Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis

CAIRO—As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing…
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Bored National Guard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored

CHICAGO—Unsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, National Guard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have…
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Legal Ruling Forces God To Add Cancer Warning To Earth

THE HEAVENS—Noting unsafe levels of carcinogens in all land, air, and water, a legal ruling handed down by the Celestial Court on Tuesday ordered God,…
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MacArthur ‘Genius Grant’ Awarded To Inventor Of Eatin’ Shirt

CHICAGO—In effort to honor the extraordinarily talented and creative individual, a MacArthur ‘genius grant’ was awarded Wednesday to Arkansas man Dale Huggins for his invention…

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U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a “big adventure” planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday…
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Nobel Prize In Medicine Awarded To Tums

STOCKHOLM—In an effort to honor the groundbreaking work of bringing fast relief to millions suffering post-meal heartburn and indigestion, the prestigious Nobel Prize in Medicine…
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Starbucks Awarded $5 Billion Contract To Explore Military Applications Of Cold Foam

ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam,…
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Jane Goodall, Author Of ‘15 Amazing Monkey Facts For Kids,’ Dies At 91
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Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri

SANTA ROSA, CA—Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced…
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Javier Bardem Declared UNESCO World-Class Hunk

PARIS—In a statement citing the need to preserve his smoldering good looks so that future generations could continue to swoon over him, U.N. officials announced…