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Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus

OREM, UT—As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the…
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Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago

Chicagoans are waiting tensely to see whether President Donald Trump will follow through on his threat to deploy the National Guard. The Onion examines the…
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Pete Hegseth Buys Bar Round Of F-22 Fighter Jets

WASHINGTON—Attempting to garner camaraderie from a group of regulars at his local watering hole, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth loudly announced Monday that he would be…
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Home Depot Garden Center Offering 1.5 Cubic Feet Of Squirrels
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U.S. Citizenship Test To Include 4-Year Imprisonment Section

WASHINGTON—Stating that the country’s naturalization process was “highly outdated,” White House officials announced Thursday that the U.S. citizenship test would now include a four-year imprisonment…

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Poll Finds Most Desirable Quality In Romantic Partner Is Being Jacked Centaur

WEST LONG BRANCH, NJ—With the attribute far outpacing characteristics such as humor, kindness, or wealth, a poll released Monday by Monmouth University found that the…
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New Safety Features Coming To ChatGPT

OpenAI announced new safety features will be soon coming to ChatGPT in an effort to better protect teens and others experiencing “acute distress.” The Onion…
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Mourners Unaware They Burying Knockoff Giorgio Armani
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Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form

HAMPTON, NH—Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans…
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Study Finds Ultra-Processed Foods Make Up Over 50% Of Americans’ Thoughts

BALTIMORE—Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods…
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How Marijuana Affects The Brain

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Kim Jong-Un Arrives At Summit On Slow-Moving, Heavily Fortified Mule
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Texas Blocks Law That Would Ban Gun Stores From Operating Inside Psych Wards

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the party-line vote as a major victory for the Second Amendment, the Texas House of Representatives successfully blocked a bill last week that would have prevented…
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Report: Your Naked Body Will Make Entire Morgue Laugh

MINNEAPOLIS—In its detailed analysis of how your corpse will appear when lying on a brightly lit postmortem examination table, a report published Friday by researchers…
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CDC Director Arrives At Office To Find Dead Deer With ‘Fired’ Carved Into It
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Denny’s Announces Free Pancakes For Customers Who Take Fight Outside

SPARTANBURG, SC—Introducing a new promotion that will be available to both adults and children at its restaurants nationwide, 24-hour diner chain Denny’s announced this week…
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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Andrew Cuomo

Despite losing the Democratic primary in June, Andrew Cuomo will be on the ballot this November as an independent candidate for New York City mayor.…

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