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Shrugs, Not Hugs

From the Jean Teasdale email cyber-compu-bag: “Hey Jean, is Hubby Rick still alive?” Why, thanks for asking, Greg! Also, thanks to Anthony and Darci for…
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Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work making toys, loading his sleigh,…
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Teehee! 😉

Truth be told, I’ve never really felt like I fit the mold of the Democratic Party. As a proud senator of Arizona, I’ve always voted…
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‘The Onion’ Has Accidentally Locked Ourselves Out Of Our Office In Solidarity With Striking ‘New York Times’ Workers

Today, reporters and editors of The New York Times began a one-day strike, as negotiations between their union and management failed to reach an agreement.…
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I’d Probably Do Fine In Prison Because I Get Along With Everybody

I like to think of myself as a people person. Socializing has always been second nature to me, no matter where I am. You could…

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Is It Just Me, Or Do The Sex Dreams About Santa Start Earlier And Earlier Each Year?

Hello. Well, it’s here already: another holiday season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas more than anyone, but you have to admit, it feels…
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This Isn’t Goodbye, It’s See You In A Few Seconds

My beloved, words cannot express how deeply I treasure this time we’ve spent together, and I realize now how lucky I am to know someone…
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Thank God I Live In New Jersey

Last year, I made the bold choice to run for mayor of New York City. While I ultimately won the race by a landslide, many…
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I Thought This Was The Kind Of Shit America Liked

On Feb. 24, 2022, I—Vladimir Putin—sent troops into Ukraine to conduct a special military operation. As the president of Russia, I obviously expected resistance from…
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Please Like Me

It can be strange, sometimes, to be me. I’m the wealthiest man on the planet, for starters. Leaders across America, and indeed the world, look…
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I Am Still In The Car

I, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, have faced countless challenges throughout my decades-long career. As a member of the British Royal Family and a representative…

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Welfare Check

How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty…
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I Have To Admit, I Spoil Dax Shepard

I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is…
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It’s Long Past Time For Jack-O’-Lanterns To Decide Once And For All If They Are On The Side Of Humans Or The Side Of Demons

Each fall, we welcome the sight of jack-o’-lanterns. They beautify our porches, light the paths to our doors, and, of course, frighten evil spirits away…
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I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…

Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Waterworld was that the…
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At The Peak Of My Fame, I Could Have Slept With Any Werewolf, Mummy, Or Ghoul I Wanted

When you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then there are the awards, the…
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Honey, If You Ever Have Any Questions About Sex, You Can Always Consult The Hundreds Of Pages Of Fan Fiction In My Closet

Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never…

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