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Professor Deeply Hurt by Student's Evaluation

Leon Rothberg, Ph.D., a 58-year-old professor of English Literature at Ohio State University, was shocked and saddened Monday after receiving a sub-par mid-semester evaluation from…
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Daredevil Produce Manager to Attempt Largest-Ever Plum Display

The world holds its breath this morning as Jim Pobinsky, a produce department manager for the Star Foods supermarket in Omaha, NE, prepares to create…
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Elderly Woman to Teeter, Quiver

NORMAN, OK—Eunice Stephens, 89, announced Monday her intentions to both teeter and quiver this week. According to Stephens, she will most likely teeter when walking…
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Scientists Trace Campus-Wide Pussy Shortage to ZBT House

NEW ORLEANS—Scientists at Tulane University yesterday successfully traced the mysterious pussy shortage that has ravaged the campus to the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity house. “It…

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World's Longest Wall Completed

‘No one has ever built a wall this great,’ mayor says
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Everybody's Naming They Babies 'Shawanda'
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Area Trash Collector is Stench-sational
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Weather Map
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114-Year-Old Attributes Longevity to Sheer Random Chance

MILFORD, WY—Mayor Hammond Forsythe officially declared Monday “Hazel McCreeley Day,” and why not? After all, if you’d lived through over 41,500 of them, wouldn’t you…
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Professional Advice on Garden Hoe Usage From Two Experts

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Kansas Hosts 'Nothing to Happen Here '96'
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Cop Kills Own Partner, Vows To Track Self Down

DETROIT, MI—At an emotional press conference yesterday, Detroit police officer John McCullough an-nounced his guilt in the murder of longtime partner Mitch Peterson and vowed…
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Local Harlot Exposes Face, Neck

‘Nothing was left to the imagination,’ says Damascus-area shopkeeper
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Crips Streamline Membership Application Process

Paperwork, Beatings To Be Reduced 50%
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Bronx Zoo Opens New Loitering Teens Exhibit

The Bronx Zoo, long a trailblazer among the world’s zoological reserves, opened its exciting new Loitering Teens exhibit Saturday to the anticipation of zoogoers nationwide.
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Crazy Old-Timer Wants to Create 'Master Race'

DUBUQUE, IA—Chalk it up to eccentricity, old age or just plain senility, but area nursing home resident Adolf Hitler is planning to create a “master…

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