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Area Stoners Mistakenly Hold Massive Kemp Rally

BOULDER, CO—A diverse group of marijuana advocates, or “stoners” as they are popularly known, mistakenly held a massive rally in support of Republican party vice-presidential…
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Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of…
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Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors

CLOTTS, IN—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live…
Local

Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route…
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Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. “He…

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Rollerblade Rage

In-line skates have all of America on the go. What are the reasons for their incredible popularity?
Local

Swimsuit Skirt Conceals Hideous Thigh Region

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—A swimsuit skirt successfully concealed more than six inches of upper thigh Monday, sparing hundreds of beachgoers from the sight of the mountains…
Local

Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a…
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Local Merchant 'Sane Freddie' Driven Out of Business

Unable to Compete With New Breed of Insane Retailers
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Pet Eligibles

Critters Who Need Good Homes
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Man With Stupid Breaks Off Co-Dependent Relationship

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Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with…
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WLTZ Hartford's Number One Choice for Continuous Soft Hits

HARTFORD, CT—It was reported yesterday that WLTZ Lite FM, 94.5 on your radio dial, is Hartford’s number-one choice for soft, adult-contemporary hits. According to the…
Cooking, Local

Walnuts Improve Area Chicken Salad

FORT WAYNE, IN—The addition of walnuts significantly improved an area chicken salad Monday, resulting in a more enjoyable taste experience for its eaters. The salad,…
Local

Berserk Hairdresser Cuts Bangs Without Permission

SYRACUSE, NY—An area hairdresser went berserk Sunday, cutting Syracuse University sophomore Stacie Medding’s bangs without her expressed permission. According to Medding, the unwanted bang-cutting not…
Local

Loveless Union Ends In Baby

ROCKFORD, IL—A loveless union resulted Monday in the birth of a baby who, according to area love experts, will almost certainly never receive the warm,…
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Updated Recycling Guide

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