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Obituaries

Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician

The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader…
Local

Dad Calling Just To Say He Loves King Crimson

BROCKTON, MA—Acknowledging that he doesn’t get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn’t make it any less true, the father…
Real Estate

Crenellated Aesthetic

For those who know what “crenellated” means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that…
Weddings

Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold

So many musicians were hired for this pair’s lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.
Obituaries

Sarah Carney

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and…

Local

Sister Insanely Letting 98-Year-Old Grandma Hold Newborn

GUILFORD, CT—Watching in horror as he silently calculated whether he would be able to dive and catch the dropped infant before its body hit the…
Local

Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had…
Local

Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported

CHICAGO—Struggling to explain the recent development during a polite conversation at her neighbor’s house, local woman Sarah Walker reportedly tried Tuesday to find a nonpolitical…
Local

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday…
Local

Tips For Antiquing

Shopping for antiques can be a fun, sustainable, and stylish way to decorate your home. The Onion shares tips for antiquing. Save time by having…
Local

Ransom Notes Really Starting To Pile Up

CORVALLIS, OR—As he tried to avert his gaze from the stress-inducing pile of letters seeking money, local man Todd Fincher remarked Tuesday that the ransom…

Real Estate

Dad’s House

It’s Dad’s weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887
Obituaries

Hannah Pike

Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.
Weddings

Carl Brooks and Evan Perth

The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they’ll point to in photos years from now…
Local

Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time

BROOKLINE, MA—Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron’s 1997 film, local man…
Real Estate

Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance’s house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873
Obituaries

Bob Qualley

Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.

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