Become A Member. Get The Paper.

Local

Real Estate

Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums

This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm. Reference #37290
Local

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep…
Local

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to…
Local

Sweet Potato Dish Stopped Being Healthy 5 Ingredients Ago
Local

Cousins Form Pact To Get Laid By End Of Thanksgiving

Local

Astronaut Hates Long Nightly Spacewalk To ISS Outhouse

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Saying the dreaded nightly ritual had quickly become his least favorite part of his mission, astronaut Dave Barron told reporters Wednesday that he…
Local

Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to get hands-on experience stigmatizing patients’ bodies in a safe environment, Indiana University medical student Dylan Loera confirmed Wednesday that she was…
Local

Man Who Thought Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ Was Over In For Thrill Of His Fucking Life

BOSTON—Prematurely assuming he had reached the end of the 1977 rock masterpiece, local man Peter Verran, who thought Fleetwood Mac’s “The Chain” was over, was…
Local

Horse Carefully Assesses Potential Mate For Also Being Horse

BELCHERTOWN, MA—Cautiously eyeing up a nearby mare in what barnyard sources described as a mixture of flirtation and guarded optimism, local horse Oatmeal reportedly took…
Local

Exhausted Stable Boy Clearly Just Going Through Motions Of Tearing Open Bodice

GLOUCESTERSHIRE, ENGLAND—Audibly sighing as he “listlessly” undid a corset string by the light of a candle, a sulking, exhausted stable boy was reportedly going through…
Local

Man Unsure How To Get Old Lady Smell Out Of Hood Of Car

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying all his attempts to remove the 84-year-old’s stench from the vehicle had failed, local man Rob Davis expressed frustration Wednesday over his inability…

Local

Exclusive Soup Kitchen Offers Free Meals By Invite Only

OLYMPIA, WA—Sitting back to savor the 10-course broth-based haute cuisine, guests at the Northwest Community Center told reporters Tuesday they were thrilled to dine at…
Local

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday…
Local

Holiday Cooking For One

With the festive season upon us and our hearts filled with the reality that we’ve never been so isolated and alone, The Onion offers an…
Local

Former Army Sniper Struggling To Readjust To Being Near Stuff

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Acknowledging that he was on a long and ongoing process of reintegration, former Army sniper Clint Meadows told reporters Monday that he was struggling…
Local

Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee

SEATTLE—In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment…
Weddings

Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop

The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.

Advertising

Advertising

The Latest