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Grandma Recalls Wild Teenage Year Before She Met Grandpa
Weddings

Regina Lundell and Mark Francis

Opposites attract, and that’s never been more true than in the whirlwind romance of Lundell, a UX guru, and Francis, whose background is more B2C…
Local, News

Vasectomy Hot-Wired

LONG BEACH, CA—Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice…
Real Estate

Pizza’s Been Delivered Here Before

Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350
Local

RFK Jr. Greets Trick-Or-Treaters With Big Bowl Of Ape Glands

WASHINGTON—Asking the children to please just take one since he had to acquire the organs from a “sketchy dealer” in West Virginia, Health Secretary Robert…

Local

Cursed Videotape Kills Anyone Who Swallows It Whole
Local

Scream Mask Left On While Using Toilet
Local

Parents Ask Detained Nanny If She’s Still Free To Watch Kids Friday

CHICAGO—Hoping to lock down childcare so they could get out of the house for a fun date night this week, area parents Mitchell and Jessica…
Local

IT Guy Had Affinity For Cords At Young Age

DES MOINES, IOWA—Revealing that his fascination began practically as soon as he could crawl behind the television, local IT specialist Josh Tannenbaum told reporters Thursday…
Local

Doula Asks To Keep Baby

SEATTLE—After guiding her client through a grueling 12-hour natural home birth, local doula Raquel Parker reportedly asked mother Melanie Kendrick on Monday if she could…
Local

37-Year-Old Still On Parents’ Verizon Plan Saves Credibility By Clarifying He Pays Them $50 A Month

SAN DIEGO—Pausing mid-conversation to shore up any doubts regarding his ability to shoulder adult responsibilities, full-grown 37-year-old man Justin Landry reportedly defended his credibility Friday…

Local

Shelter Dog Just Doesn’t Have That X Factor

LOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday…
Local

National Guardsman Awakes Screaming From Nightmare About Americans Going About Daily Lives

FORT WORTH, TX—Catching his breath and wiping the sweat from his brow after he realized it was all just a bad dream, Texas National Guard…
Local

Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times

CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed Wednesday that her parents were…
Local

Man Has Favorite Hot Dog Place For Every Level Of Sobriety

CHICAGO—Revealing a highly calibrated system that he has fine-tuned over a lifetime of trial and error, local man Ken Stafford told reporters Wednesday that he…
Local

Sober October Ends As Deer Realizes Apple He Just Ate Fermented

SPENCER, TN—Frustrated at breaking a three-week streak of alcohol abstinence, a white-tailed deer expressed annoyance Monday upon realizing he could not complete his goal of…
Local

Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users “buy now, pay later” financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines…

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