LOS ANGELES—Declaring that some animals simply “got the goods” and “you know it when you see it,” officials at a local animal shelter confirmed Thursday that a newly acquired rescue dog lacked the X factor required to be adopted. “We’re looking for a little razzle-dazzle, and all we got is this total dud cowering in the corner of his crate,” said veterinary assistant Amanda Field, adding that despite a few good photos and a great tragic backstory, what the dull mutt brought to the table was not exactly going to land him in a forever home. “This dog lacks style and confidence. Just comes off as a complete flop. If he thinks he’s gonna make it here, he either needs to get way uglier, or way cuter—and fast! Start dangling that tongue out of your mouth, see what that gets you.” Field went on to state that if the shelter dog didn’t shape up soon, she’d have no choice but to give him a “one-way ticket to Euthanasia City.”
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