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Grown Man Licking Ice Cream Cone Placed On Sex Offender Registry

WELLS, ME—Stating that citizens had a right to be warned about the types of individuals residing in their area, authorities confirmed Thursday that they had…
Local

Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood,…
Local

Parrot Lying
Local

Real-Life Dracula Recoils After Seeing Woman On Dating App Wearing Crucifix

NEW YORK—Hissing with distaste as the dreaded Christian symbol suddenly appeared on his phone screen, Scott Tatum—a real-life Dracula—reportedly recoiled Friday after seeing a Tinder…
Local

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would…

Local

‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health
Local

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class

LARCHMONT, NY—Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away, the parents of local teen Sutton Langford…
Local

Locust Humiliated Swarm He Organized Only Got 40 Million Attendees

MEKELE, ETHIOPIA—Expressing utter embarrassment about the long-hyped event, a desert locust in the Ethiopian Highlands was reportedly humiliated Friday after a swarm he organized was…
Obituaries

Richard Blakely

Despite his family’s pleading, Richard Blakely died at age 82 on the nice rug.
Weddings

Carlie Beams and Drew Jones

Six years from now, almost to the day, the blushing bride Carlie Beams and joyful groom Drew Jones will be fighting to the death for…
Real Estate

Not 200 Yards Away From The Dog Park

Listen, no one’s trying to broadcast private details about your life to the whole world, but you should know that living here would absolutely violate…

Obituaries

Randy Faber

Randy Faber, 49, died Saturday after a horn impaling his chest confirmed his severe rhino allergy.
Weddings

Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak

The Saturday evening union of D.C. insiders Baines Wright III and Carter Nowak featured several productive breakout sessions with good thought-starters on potential honeymoon locations…
Local

Tips For Making Friends As An Adult

While it’s natural for personal relationships to change or fade over time, many adults reportedly find it difficult to forge new friendships later in life.…
Local

Meth Lab Straightened Up Ahead Of Landlord’s Visit

MESA, AZ—As he hastily hung a framed picture over some unsightly bullet holes in the wall, local man Clyde Walker told reporters Monday that he…
Real Estate

Wouldst This Suit M’Lord?

Tis a humble and rudely constructed domicile, true, but ’tis warm and dry, and there be space enough to lay your head on some flax…
Local

Heartbroken Man Realizes He Only Loved Idea Of Fried Egg On Burger

KNOXVILLE, TN—After a disappointing lunch that shattered his romanticized view of the topping, heartbroken local man Vince Salazar stated Monday that he now understood he…

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