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Weddings

Luna Fisher and Oliver Cox

Spirited away by carriage under cover of night, the two lovers were wed deep in the forest by an unfrocked priest.
Obituaries

That Fucker

That fucker, aged who the fuck cares, finally kicked the bucket Monday, that prick. After living a no-good waste of a life, family and friends…
Real Estate

As Good A Place To Become Embroiled In Conspiracy Theories As Any

This house has a great porch and gets plenty of natural light, but if you’re going to spend 12 hours a day on Reddit, it…
Local

911 Operator Walks Panicked Woman Through Being Murdered

DENTON, TX—In what is being hailed as a heroic intervention that provided critical support at a moment when her life was at stake, sources confirmed…
Weddings

Shane Collins and Charlie Quentin

The pair married Friday, which instantly fixed every underlying problem in their relationship, including poor communication skills, undiagnosed mental health disorders, incompatible personalities, and infidelity.

Local

Family Views Getting Sunburned As Moral Failing

DESTIN, FL—In an expression of disgust and contempt for the scarlet, peeling crowd of beachgoers streaming past them, the vacationing Hoekstra family reportedly affirmed their…
Obituaries

Freida Meeks

Freida Meeks, 90, died Sunday but will not be discovered by staff at her ramshackle nursing home for another three months.
Weddings

Ashley Byron and Connor Smith

The happy couple tied the knot in a small ceremony at a local courthouse since they were there for Smith’s arraignment anyway.
Local

GI Bill Used On Hustlers University

ZANESVILLE, OH—Drawing on the government program that has helped countless service members enrich their lives after leaving the military, local veteran Doug Whitley told reporters…
Real Estate

Too Good To Be True

This flawless four-bedroom Craftsman mirage appears on the horizon to desperate house shoppers, only to disappear as soon as they reach the door. $800,000. Reference…
Obituaries

Amy Chandler

Amy Chandler, 38, was burned at the stake for the crime of witchcraft, which is more of an indictment of modern-day Oklahoma than anything.

Weddings

Megan Haloiti and Patrick Leigh

The bride said “I do” despite the groom mentioning the film Interstellar three separate times in his vows.
Local

Tips For Apple Picking

Apple picking is a fun and festive way for the whole family to enjoy the scenic autumn season. Here are The Onion’s tips for picking…
Real Estate

House With Cool Turret Thing

Come on, look at how cool this tower thingy is. Imagine sitting in a little circular room like that. So cool. Reference #56727
Local

Mailman Too Old To Be Out There
Local

8th Grader’s Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer

DEDHAM, MA—Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader…
Local

New Kid Easily Wins Over Classroom With Belly Tricks

CRYSTAL LAKE, IL—With a crowd gathering around the new kid as word of his charming antics quickly spread among his peers, witnesses confirmed Tuesday that…

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