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Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex

SALT LAKE CITY—With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed…
Obituaries

Mike Gomez

Mike Gomez, 50, died Friday after learning that even a saltwater crocodile can be pushed too far.
News

WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’
Politics

Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke
Local

Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of…
News, Politics

FDA Approves New Drug That Reverses Effects Of Narcan

SILVER SPRING, MD—Praising the drug’s ability to quickly and effectively increase fatalities amongst the nation’s opioid users, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a…

Real Estate

Look Who You’ve Become

You used to dream of couch-surfing across the world, untethered and unbothered, and now here you are, seriously considering an HOA townhouse. Reference #17806
Weddings

Elisa Geoffries and Daniel Walter

After years of planning their wedding, the pair were united in marriage within an hour of the bride being legally able to consent.
American Voices

Transportation Department Endorses Crash Test Dummies That Resemble Women

The Department of Transportation is considering a new crash test dummy design based on female anatomy, claiming it would improve safety testing for women. What…
American Voices

Judge Resigns After Wearing Elvis Wig In Court

A judge in Missouri resigned after wearing an Elvis Presley wig in court, coming after a disciplinary commission determined he failed to maintain order and…
Politics

Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers

WASHINGTON—Touting his latest executive order as a historic win for the U.S. economy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was mandating a 5,000% increase…
Local

Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor

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