Become A Member. Get The Paper.

The Latest

Local

Man Proudly Saves $8 On Pubic Hair Trimmer
Politics

Cory Booker Delivers Historic 25-Hour Wedding Vows
Cartoons

Heaven Can’t Wait
Cartoons

Cold As ICE
News

Homeland Security Relaxes Species Requirements To Join ICE

WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand recruitment for President Donald Trump’s immigration crackdown, the Department of Homeland Security announced Tuesday that it would waive the species…
News

Earth Rumbles, Dishes Crash To Floor As Gerrymandering Rips Through House

SAN ANTONIO—With the GOP’s redrawn congressional maps taking effect across Texas, a local family reported Friday that the earth rumbled and dishes crashed to the…

Politics

Nature Begins Reclaiming Chuck Grassley
Real Estate

Haunted By Teenager Learning To Play Drums

This two-bedroom ranch-style house will gradually become more livable as the ghost finds his rhythm. Reference #37290
News

Tips For Repurposing Thanksgiving Leftovers

Once Thanksgiving dinner is over, many Americans find their refrigerators packed with several days’ worth of leftover food that often goes to waste. The Onion…
Local

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep…
News

Researchers Determine Moon Serves No Purpose But Alerting Raccoons It Safe To Come Out

PASADENA, CA—Dispelling numerous widespread beliefs about the role the celestial body plays in life on Earth, astronomers at the California Institute of Technology published a…
American Voices

Thai Woman Found Alive In Coffin Moments Before Cremation

After someone heard her knocking, a Thai woman was discovered alive inside her coffin, just narrowly avoiding cremation. What do you think?

Advertising

Advertising

In Other News