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Entertainment

Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic

THE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey…
Politics

JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance

WASHINGTON—During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again…
Real Estate

Great Home For Hand Soap

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are…
Entertainment

Quentin Tarantino Slams Paul Dano As Worst Actor On Wikifeet

LOS ANGELES—In a shockingly personal attack on the actor’s arches, filmmaker Quentin Tarantino made comments Friday slamming Paul Dano as the worst actor on Wikifeet.…
American Voices

Malaysia Bans Social Media For Children Under 16

Starting in 2026, Malaysia will ban social media accounts for anyone under 16, joining other countries such as Australia in imposing digital age limits. What…
American Voices

Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine

A Japanese tech firm has developed a capsule-style human washing machine, which is able to automatically wash and dry a person. What do you think?

Politics

Pete Hegseth Invokes ‘Fog Of War’ After Pissing In Break Room Refrigerator

ARLINGTON, VA—Describing the incident as a split-second operational judgment made under rapidly evolving conditions, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth invoked the “fog of war” Thursday to…
Entertainment

‘Marty Supreme’ Director Explains Film Slight Dramatization Of Real-Life LeBron James

NEW YORK—Confirming his new film fell somewhere between fact and fiction, director Josh Safdie explained to reporters Friday that Marty Supreme was a slight dramatization…
Commentary

I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That’s why I…
News

Pros And Cons Of War With Venezuela

Tensions between the United States and Venezuela are escalating, with President Trump stating that land strikes on drug traffickers could come “very soon.” The Onion…
News

Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation…
Weddings

Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler

The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn’t even in a church—and they both wore tennis shoes!

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