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Health + Wellness

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Study Finds Processed Meats Carcinogenic But They Were On Sale

INDIANAPOLIS—Suggesting there were some deals even cancer researchers couldn’t say no to, a new study published Thursday by the American Society of Preventative Oncology found…
News

WHO: ‘Nothing Tastes As Good As Skinny Feels’
Local

Grandmother Can’t Trust Herself To Keep Raisins In House

WICHITA, KS—Admitting that the tempting dried fruit would ruin her figure, local grandmother Linda Donovan told reporters Friday that she can’t trust herself to keep…
American Voices

New Rules Would Deny Visas To Those With Chronic Health Conditions

The U.S. government issued new guidance that would deny visas to applicants with certain chronic health conditions such as diabetes or obesity if they may…
Politics

RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar

WASHINGTON—In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.…
Local

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday…

Baseball, Sports

Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body
News

CDC Figures It Easier To Start Tracking People Without Measles

ATLANTA—As the agency struggles to manage a measles caseload that has erupted to its largest size in decades, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention…
American Voices

Study: 20% Of Urinary Tract Infections Caused By Contaminated Meat

A new study found that about one in five urinary tract infections can be traced to E. coli-contaminated meat. What do you think?
News

Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold

WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press…
American Voices

Report: Half Of All Uncontacted People Could Be Wiped Out In Next Decade

The new report revealed that thousands of uncontacted Indigenous peoples around the world are facing increasing dangers, such as contact by missionaries, miners, criminal gangs,…
Politics

Trump Accused Of Using Makeup To Conceal Ventilator

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