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Health + Wellness

News

Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri

SANTA ROSA, CA—Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced…
Politics

Limbless, Slippery RFK Jr.: ‘Becoming An Eel Is A Sign Of Good Health’

WASHINGTON—Suddenly appearing at the lectern after emerging from a hole in the floor, a limbless, slippery Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced at a White House…
Local

Office Adds Area For Lactating Mothers To Discreetly Pump Iron

TUCSON, AZ—In a move that has earned praise from women’s rights advocates, local business Leiderman Insurance reportedly unveiled a dedicated space Friday for lactating mothers…
American Voices

Trump Administration Attempts To Link Autism To Tylenol

The Trump administration claimed that taking acetaminophen during pregnancy might increase autism risk, advising against the common over-the-counter drug despite its use by a majority…
Politics

RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore

WASHINGTON—Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert…
Entertainment

Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts

CLEARWATER, FL—Explaining that his personal health was everything to him, Tom Cruise told reporters Thursday he had purchased a Fitbit to help him get in…

News

NIH Director’s Pulsing Neck Tumor Announces Cancer Research Cuts
News

Planet Fitness Bans Proper Form

HAMPTON, NH—Stressing its commitment to making everyone feel welcome regardless of athletic ability, national gym franchise Planet Fitness instituted a new policy Thursday that bans…
American Voices

California Resident Tests Positive For The Plague

After a California resident tested positive for bubonic plague, likely contracted from a flea bite while camping, local health officials urged the public to take…
Politics

White House Downplays Trump Hand Bruise As Least Concerning Part Of Body

WASHINGTON—As they called attention to his alarmingly sallow complexion and rapidly deteriorating brain function, White House officials sought to quell speculation Monday over the bruising…
News

Nutritionists Warn Taco Bell $3 Steak Burrito A $3 Steak Burrito

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to advise American consumers about the potential hazards of ingesting the Mexican-inspired fast food item, nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic warned…
Local

Poor 3rd Grader Bullied For Using Generic EpiPen

ROANOKE, VA—As he struggled to discreetly administer the life-saving anaphylaxis treatment following a bee sting, local poor third grader Mason Prewitt was reportedly bullied this…

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