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Strength Training: Myth Vs. Fact

With the start of a new year, millions of Americans are honing in on their fitness goals and returning to the gym, including the weight…
American Voices

Study: Few Bursts Of Vigorous Movement May Cut Women’s Heart Risks

A study published in the British Journal Of Sports Medicine found that short bursts of movement throughout the day, no matter how small, can help…
Local

Gym Installs Confusing New Equipment To Mess With Anyone Joining In January

MINNEAPOLIS—Cackling in gleeful anticipation, the staff at local gym Verve Fitness reportedly installed confusing new equipment Monday to mess with anyone joining in January. “Good…
News

Surgeon General: ‘You Are Supposed To Be Able To Button Your Pants’

WASHINGTON—Noting that the fasteners commonly found on most trousers were not merely ornamental, Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory to the American public Thursday…
Local

Tips For Checking In On Friends’ Mental Health

More than one in five adults in the U.S. live with a mental illness. The Onion offers helpful tips for checking in on your friends. …
News

Mentally Broken Nation Starts Dressing, Speaking Like Frank Sinatra

WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking…

Local

Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early

PITTSBURGH—Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early.…
Local

Man Becomes First In His Family To Go To Bed

MANCHESTER, NH—Posing in his pajamas as his proud mother took a photo to capture the momentous occasion, local man Frederico Torres became the first person…
Local

Yoga Teacher Puts Hand On Small Of Student’s Back, But In Parking Lot

HARTFORD, CT—Telling her to close her eyes and turn inward as he gently guided her positioning, local yoga teacher Vincent Diaz reportedly placed his hand…
Local

Woman With Disease Sent Article About Celebrity With Disease
Local

Man Gets Triple Bypass Reversed After Deciding He Wants Third Heart Attack

DAYTON, OH—Calling the first two “rough, but ultimately worth it,” local 53-year-old Mark Butler confirmed Tuesday he had gotten his triple bypass reversed after deciding…
Local

Listeria Outbreak Prompts Man To Continue Eating Deli Meat Like Nothing Wrong

PITTSBURGH—Putting on a brave face and carrying on with his regularly scheduled hoagie consumption habits Friday, local man Craig Landers was reportedly continuing amid the…

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