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Vol 61: Issue 33

News

Alligator Alcatraz By The Numbers

Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida’s Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on…
Obituaries

Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician

The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader…
Weddings

Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop

The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.
Sports

Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence

LAS VEGAS—Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that…
Local

Dad Calling Just To Say He Loves King Crimson

BROCKTON, MA—Acknowledging that he doesn’t get the chance to say it that often, but emphasizing that it doesn’t make it any less true, the father…
Real Estate

Crenellated Aesthetic

For those who know what “crenellated” means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that…

Weddings

Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold

So many musicians were hired for this pair’s lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.
Obituaries

Sarah Carney

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and…
Entertainment

Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed…
Commentary

Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of…
Local

Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had…
Politics

RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar

WASHINGTON—In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.…

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