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Vol 61: Issue 33

Obituaries

Hannah Pike

Hannah Pike, 27, died Monday after learning it was indeed that kind of cult.
Real Estate

Dad’s House

It’s Dad’s weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887
Politics

Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact

More than 71 million Americans are enrolled in Medicaid for healthcare. The Onion dispels common myths surrounding the program’s new work requirements, which go into…
Weddings

Carl Brooks and Evan Perth

The happy couple held an elaborate reception for their closest loved ones and a handful of people they’ll point to in photos years from now…
Baseball, Sports

Barry Bonds Reveals Asterisk Has Spread Throughout Body
News

All 6 Branches Of Armed Forces Present At Arrest Of Undocumented Nanny

BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MI—In what they described as a collaborative effort to share resources and information in defense of U.S. territory, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that…

Commentary

I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships

Ever feel like you have a “special connection” with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs?…
Cartoons

Haul Of Fame
Politics

Trump Imposes 25% Tariff On Chinese-Made Trump Products

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to stop U.S. markets from being flooded with foreign-made campaign merchandise and other licensed items promoting his brand, President Donald Trump signed…
Local

Uber Driver Seemingly Watching ‘Titanic’ For First Time

BROOKLINE, MA—Noting that the car swerved erratically every time the gig worker switched between his GPS navigation app and James Cameron’s 1997 film, local man…
Real Estate

Oh, So They Have MONEY-Money

This five-year-old listing of your new acquaintance’s house should immediately confirm any suspicions. Reference #66873
Obituaries

Bob Qualley

Bob Qualley, 72, learned the hard way the dangers of juggling snakes.

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