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Vol 61: Issue 33

Politics

DHS Offers $1,000 Stipend To Migrants Who Voluntarily Self-Destruct

WASHINGTON—In an ambitious new effort targeting undocumented immigrants, the Department of Homeland Security announced this week that it would begin offering a $1,000 stipend to migrants who voluntarily self-destruct.…
Politics

Fun Getaway With Murderous Dictator Just What Exhausted Trump Been Needing

WASHINGTON—Hoping his upcoming meeting in Anchorage with Russian President Vladimir Putin will bring a much-needed change of pace, an exhausted President Donald Trump told reporters…
Entertainment

Travis Kelce Receives Invoice For Girlfriend’s Podcast Appearance

LEAWOOD, KS—Staring at the email in bewilderment, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly received an invoice Thursday for girlfriend Taylor Swift’s appearance on…
Politics

Frito-Lay CEO Gifts Trump Gold Funyun

WASHINGTON—In a gesture many critics have decried as yet another blatant bribe to secure favorable regulatory treatment, Frito-Lay CEO Steven Williams presented President Donald Trump this week…
American Voices

AOL To Discontinue Dial-Up Internet

AOL has officially announced it will discontinue its dial-up Internet service after more than three decades, ending support for the technology synonymous with the early…
Politics

Agriculture Secretary Demands U.S. Farmers Invent 5 New Melons By Friday

WASHINGTON—Warning that America could not afford to fall behind in gourd-based innovation, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins issued a statement Tuesday demanding that U.S.…

American Voices

Confederate Statue Toppled During Black Lives Matter Protest Reinstalled

The National Park Service will restore the toppled statue of Confederate General Albert Pike in Washington, D.C., despite local leaders calling for its permanent removal.…
Entertainment

Artist Profile: Alex Warren

Alex Warren’s “Ordinary” has held the number one spot on the Billboard Hot 100 for the ninth week in a row. The Onion shares everything…
Politics

U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel

WASHINGTON—Calling the ongoing violence in the region “disgusting” while pledging America’s unwavering support, President Trump announced Monday that the United States would be the first country…
American Voices

Danish Zoo Asks For Donated Pets To Feed To Carnivores

A zoo in northern Denmark asked pet owners to donate healthy animals such as chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs, and even horses to be fed to…
Cartoons

The Best In-Detentions
News

Alan Dershowitz Sues Farmers Market Vendor For Refusing To Sell Him Child

WEST TISBURY, MA—Following through on his threat of legal action, civil liberties lawyer Alan Dershowitz confirmed Monday that he had filed a lawsuit against a…

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