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Vol 61: Issue 33

News

Breaking: The Darkness Returns

WASHINGTON—With deep unease and outright horror haunting millions of Americans as a great shroud enveloped the land, late-breaking reports confirmed Monday that the darkness had…
News

Studios Enter Bidding War Over Napkin Stephen King Wrote ‘Ghoul’ On

LOS ANGELES—Anticipating the project could be the biggest horror hit of the decade, film studios were reportedly locked in a bidding war Friday over a…
Local, News

Vasectomy Hot-Wired

LONG BEACH, CA—Wiping sweat from his brow as he clenched a scalpel in his mouth, a man reportedly hot-wired a vasectomy Friday while his accomplice…
Politics

Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check
Real Estate

Pizza’s Been Delivered Here Before

Pizzas from both large chains and local restaurants have successfully found their way to this three-bedroom, two-bath home, so that much is set. Reference #24350
Entertainment

The Onion’s Guide To The Emmys

The 77th Primetime Emmy Awards will be broadcast on Sunday, Sept. 14. The Onion shares everything you need to know about this year’s most lauded…

Local

8th Grader’s Voice Drops 6 Octaves Over Summer

DEDHAM, MA—Remarking that the adolescent had undergone some pronounced developmental changes during the course of his vacation, middle school sources reported Tuesday that eighth grader…
Local

New Kid Easily Wins Over Classroom With Belly Tricks

CRYSTAL LAKE, IL—With a crowd gathering around the new kid as word of his charming antics quickly spread among his peers, witnesses confirmed Tuesday that…
Baseball, Sports

Scalpers Jack Up Price Of Colorado Rockies Ticket To $11

DENVER—In what’s being decried as an outrageous case of price-gouging, scalpers have reportedly begun charging as much as $11 for Colorado Rockies tickets, forcing some…
American Voices

U.S. Alcohol Consumption Falls To Record Low

A new Gallup poll found that only 54% of U.S. adults report drinking alcohol, a record low as growing health concerns and skepticism about moderate…
Entertainment

What To Know About ‘Weapons’

Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to…
Entertainment

‘Two Seniors,’ Says Jordon Hudson, Looking AMC Cashier Dead In Eye

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