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Vol 60: Issue 38

Football

NFL Sunday Ticket Allows Viewers To Simulcast Up To 4 Domestic Violence Trials At Once

NEW YORK—Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that…
American Voices

MrBeast Sued By Contestants For Unsafe Conditions

YouTuber MrBeast is accused of creating unsafe employment conditions, including sexual harassment and misrepresenting contestants’ odds at winning his new Amazon reality show’s $5 million…
Politics

Ways Secret Service Can Improve Trump’s Security

The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than…
Politics

‘They’re Getting Shot,’ Kamala Harris Warns Home Intruders, Burglars, Litterbugs, Slow Walkers

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Discussing the Second Amendment with Oprah Winfrey at a Michigan town hall last night, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted she may have gotten…
Baseball

Ohtani Cashes In 50-Home-Run Futures Bet Ticket
Politics

North Carolina Voters Abandon Mark Robinson For Nude Africa User ‘FootPapa12’

RALEIGH, NC—In the wake of an explosive report that revealed several controversial posts the lieutenant governor had made years ago on a pornographic website, North Carolina…

Politics

American Black Nazi Party Worried Mark Robinson Could Hurt Other Candidates Down Ballot

WASHINGTON—Troubled by the potential political fallout from the North Carolina gubernatorial candidate’s scandal, the American Black Nazi Party was reportedly worried Friday that Mark Robinson…
News, Politics

Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson: ‘We All Have Crazy Ideas About Slavery When We’re Horny’
American Voices

Diddy Arrested On Sex Trafficking Charges

Sean “Diddy” Combs faces federal sex trafficking and racketeering charges in a newly unsealed indictment that claims he hit and abused women for over a…
Local

Scarecrow Has Double Ds

AFTON, WI—Remarking on the hay-stuffed decoy’s surprisingly shapely form, passersby reported Friday that a scarecrow in a local cornfield boasted double-D breasts. “Damn, she’s got…
News

Hellspawn Annoyed By Sound Of Earth’s Residents Stomping Around Overhead

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL—Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the…
News

Mother Earth Insists She Doesn’t Want Any Pagan Sacrifices This Equinox

ÖLAND, SWEDEN—Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn’t want any pagan sacrifices this autumn…

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