Vol 60: Issue 38

News

Mirena Unveils New Intrauterine Owl To Scare Sperm Away From Eggs

WHIPPANY, NJ—Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near…
Local

New Homeowners Thrilled To Find Pentagram Carved Into Hardwood Floor Under Carpet

MILWAUKEE—Expressing elation over the discovery made during renovations of their newly purchased Victorian house, new homeowners Rick and Tanya Delaney were reportedly thrilled Thursday to…
American Voices

Trump Targeted In Second Assassination Attempt

Former President Donald Trump is safe following what appears to be an attempted assassination while playing golf, occurring two months after another attempt on his…
News

Migrant Steals Occupational Injury From Hard-Working American

ATHENS, OH—A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who…
News

Injured Cyclist Briefly Regains Consciousness To See RFK Jr. Dragging Him Into Kitchen

MALIBU, CA—Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr.…
Local

Actor Informed Producers Decided To Go With A Dog For The Role

LOS ANGELES—Assuring him the right part would come along eventually, actor Will Bachman’s agent informed him Thursday that, after a lengthy casting process, the producers…

Politics

Melania Trump Announces First 1,000 People To Preorder New Memoir Will See Her Face In Their Dreams Until Death

PALM BEACH, FL—Hoping to boost sales of her new book, Melania Trump announced Tuesday that the first 1,000 people to preorder her memoir Melania would…
Local

Man Not Really Articulating Cohesive Reason Why Guy Who Cut Him Off Should Go Fuck Himself

TOLEDO, OH—Saying the man’s hodgepodge of threats, insults, and expletives lacked a compelling central thread, sources confirmed Tuesday that 41-year-old Ed Thassler wasn’t really articulating…
Politics

Trump Assassination Suspect Buying AR-15s Nonstop While In Custody

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—In the wake of the second attempt on Donald Trump’s life in the past three months, sources confirmed Monday that the man…
Politics

Report: Trump Defiantly Pumped Fist For 20 Minutes After Assassination Attempt Searching For Camera
Politics

Trump Warns Immigrants Taking All The Good Vanity Plates

PHOENIX—Appealing to his base with a new line of attack against immigrants, former President Donald Trump took to the campaign trail Monday to warn that…
Politics

‘Still Fresh,’ Says Crouching Pete Buttigieg Swiping Finger Across Tire Tracks On Street

WASHINGTON—Removing his aviators and crouching down to take a better look, U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly examined a set of tire tracks Mondays…