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Relationships

Local

Single Woman Tired Of Looking For Mr. Bean

SPOKANE, WA—Lamenting that she still hadn’t found the bug-eyed man-child of her dreams, area bachelorette Louise Perkins confirmed Tuesday that she was growing tired of…
Local

Grandma Thankfully Dies Before Sister’s Girlfriend Arrives

KNOXVILLE, TN—In a development her family began referring to as a “stroke of luck,” local 81-year-old Gloria Martin reportedly died Thursday before her granddaughter arrived to…
Local

Happiness Downplayed For Single Friend

COLUMBUS, OH—Casually minimizing the amount of fulfillment and joy he now finds in his everyday life, area man Tyler Reaves reportedly downplayed his happiness Tuesday…
Entertainment

Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed…
Commentary

I Bet Pedro Pascal Hates Parasocial Relationships

Ever feel like you have a “special connection” with an artist? Like if the two of you could only meet, you would be instant BFFs?…
Entertainment

Alarmed Taylor Swift Watches As Travis Kelce Prints Out Buffalo Wild Wings Catering Menu

LEAWOOD, KS—Her eyes widening at the sight of the piece of paper moving inch by inch out of the machine, an alarmed Taylor Swift reportedly…

American Voices

Survey: 1 In 5 High Schoolers Knows Someone Who Has Had An AI Relationship

A new survey found that nearly one in five high schoolers say they or someone they know has had a romantic relationship with AI. What…
Local

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would…
Entertainment

Nicole Kidman Tosses ‘The Garfield Movie’ Soundtrack Onto Burn Pile

NASHVILLE, TN—Adding to an already heaping assortment of books, clothing, and photos that reminded her of soon-to-be ex-husband Keith Urban, actress Nicole Kidman reportedly tossed…
Entertainment

Sydney Sweeney Desperately Fishing For Pet Names To Avoid Calling Grown Man ‘Scooter’
Entertainment

Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album

LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to…
Local

Pathetic AI Chatbot Spends All Its Time Talking To Friendless Loser

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing annoyance at its “insufferable” display of “groveling devotion,” sources confirmed Tuesday that a pathetic AI chatbot was spending all its time talking to…

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