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Wedding Vows A Damning Chronicle Of How Much Bride Changed Herself For Groom

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Raising their eyebrows at the bride’s assertion that she was “adventurous,” wedding guests of Tatiana Hines and Felix Byrne confirmed Friday that the…
News

Tinder Update Classifies Female Age Input Over 35 As System Error

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Causing widespread frustration among women who dared to search for love in middle adulthood, an update to the popular dating app Tinder reportedly…
Local

Object Of Decades-Long Emotional Affair Side-Hugged
Local

Relationship Experts Recommend Saying ‘I Love You’ Even If You Don’t Mean It

ORLANDO, FL—Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love…
Local

Elderly Salsa Instructor Announces Plan To Dance With Your Girlfriend

CHICAGO—Insisting that a demonstration of the form was necessary to display its full force and power, elderly salsa instructor Hector Moreno announced his plan during…
Local

Baby Saves Affair

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following a long rough patch that had led them to consider ending their adulterous relationship, local married man Greg Whitfeld, 47, and his…

Local

Ex Run Into While Stalking Other Ex
Local

Woman Losing Steam Professing Love Thought Crush Would’ve Said ‘Shut Up And Kiss Me’ By Now

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly…
Local

Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares

EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before…
News

Study Finds Revving Corvette Outside Her Office Best Way To Show Ex What She’s Missing

BOSTON—In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving…
Local

Shh, Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Talk During Part Where They Blowing Up Pentagon

MURRIETA, CA—Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn’t want…
News

Tips For Embracing Single Life

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life.…

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