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Vol 55: Issue 38

Sports

Rob Gronkowski’s Wife Gets Out Photo Album To Prove To Him He's Met Tom Brady
Politics

Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to…
News

Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent…
American Voices, Opinion

Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed…
OGN

‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale…
Entertainment, Magazine

7 Benches Near Your Office Where You Can Eat Lunch In Fucking Peace

Sports

Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a…
Local

Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes…
American Voices, Opinion

Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case…
Sports

NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced…
Entertainment

The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on…
Politics

Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan

OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded…

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