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Vol 55: Issue 38

Commentary

I Was In A Movie Called ‘Waterworld’ And Global Warming Is Causing Rising Sea Levels, So Is There Anything To That? Is That Worth Writing An Op-Ed About? No? I Dunno, Anyways…

Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Waterworld was that the…
Local

Woman Reminds Friend She Will Always Be Only A Phone Call, Uninterrupted 45-Minute Monologue About Guy She’s Seeing Away

SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be…
Sports

Ben Roethlisberger Assures Women Of Pittsburgh He Not Done Yet
Sports

Nike Recalls Sweat-Wicking Shirts That Pulled Gallons Of Liquid Directly From Wearers’ Bodies

BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently…
News

McDonald’s Appealing To Health-Conscious Consumers With New ‘You Can’t Run From Us Forever’ Ad Campaign

CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new “You Can’t Run From Us Forever” ad campaign Tuesday, a…
American Voices, Opinion

Ken Burns Releases ‘Country Music’ Documentary

Examining the genre’s century-long rise through a 16-hour, 8-part documentary, Ken Burns’ Country Music premiered on Sunday to critical acclaim that lauded the series’ ability…

OGN

Game’s 5,000 Hours Of Written Dialogue Spread Over 200 Side Quests And 6 Branching Endings Derided As Rushed, Repetitive

Oh, man, gamers have got to take a gander at this new trainwreck. It looks like reviewers across the internet are harping on new RPG…
Local

Grandpa Asks Server If They Can Break A Two
Horoscopes

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 17, 2019

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22 You’ve never really thought of yourself as a cat person, but the splicing and DNA re-sequencing will soon…
Sports

New ESPN Peyton Manning Segment Breaks Down Current Crop Of Quarterback Commercials

BRISTOL, CT—Utilizing his expertise as one of the ad game’s all-time great pitchmen, ESPN debuted a new Monday Night Football segment this week featuring Peyton…
American Voices, Opinion

New Kavanaugh Sexual Misconduct Claim Emerges

A recently surfaced sexual misconduct allegation suggests that at least one report about Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior went undiscussed at his confirmation hearing,…
Entertainment

Panicked Ken Burns Worried He In Too Deep With 17-Trillion-Hour ‘The Universe’ Documentary

WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns…

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