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Vol 55: Issue 38

American Voices, Opinion

Netflix Acquires Global Streaming Rights For ‘Seinfeld’

In a major acquisition for the streaming giant, Netflix announced that it has acquired the rights to the popular sitcom Seinfeld, which will bring all…
Local

Escalator Handrail Scorching Hot
Local

Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk

BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right…
Sports

Cubs Team Doctor Recommends Anthony Rizzo Rehab Injured Ankle By Engaging In Light Physical Activities Like Baseball

CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle…
Local

Retail Employee Has Little Daily Ritual Where He Drinks Dr. Pepper In Quiet Corner Of Stock Room And Doesn’t Kill Himself

OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison…
American Voices, Opinion

Netanyahu Falls Short Of Majority In Israeli Election

Following a contentious campaign that saw the Israeli prime minister playing to far-right voters, exit polls have shown Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud party trailing the center-left…

Politics

Mike Pompeo Appears With Families Of Lost Saudi Oil To Call For Justice
Local

Adoption Agency Gives Couple Who Waited Long Time An Extra Kid Free Of Charge

FERGUS FALLS, MN—Gifting them another 7-year-old as a token of appreciation for their patience, local adoption agency Kindred Family Focus reportedly gave a couple who…
Entertainment

Patrick Stewart Spends Morning Shaving Beautiful Golden Locks That Grow On Head Every Night
American Voices, Opinion

New Treatment Stops Common Cold

A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our…
Sports

Antonio Brown Excited At Opportunity To Pursue Fresh Victims In New England
Local

School Shooter Thankfully Stopped Before Doing Enough Damage To Restart National Gun Debate

MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school…

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