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Commentary

Can You Guys Come Pick Me Up? I Accidentally Returned To Mars

Well, this is super embarrassing. It looks like I must have gotten myself pretty turned around back there and totally missed My destination. I hate…
Real Estate

As Featured In Film

The actual house where Illinois State University sophomores Andy Webber and Tina Gomez shot their 19-minute student film, Rest In Pete. Reference #90835
Weddings

Harris Thompson and Brad Chase

Guests spent the evening wondering why, if Chase’s family is so loaded, there’s only one guy working behind the bar.
Local

Hometown Unveils Disappointing Microbrewery

BOERNE, TX—Providing an underwhelming new dining option for those returning to visit family in the area, people who grew up in a small Texas suburb…
Entertainment

Terry Gross Conducts ‘Fresh Air’ Interview On Bluetooth During Uber Shift

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to earn extra income after Congress rescinded $1.1 billion in funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, Fresh Air host Terry Gross…
Local

Japanese Monk Racks
Brain For Haiku That Will Knock
Them On Their Asses

HIRAIZUMI- CHŌ, NISHIIWAI, IWATE, JAPAN— Struggling to decide whether one on fall or spring would rock their shit more, Zen monk Ken Ito strained for…

Entertainment

Oprah Pursues Dr. Phil On Ship Through Arctic

THE ARCTIC CIRCLE—With a vow to destroy the abomination she had created if it was the last thing she ever did, television host Oprah Winfrey…
Politics

JD Vance Reminded To Use White House Service Entrance

WASHINGTON—During a confrontation in which it was firmly reiterated that the front entrance was for approved personnel only, Vice President JD Vance was once again…
Real Estate

Great Home For Hand Soap

This 3-by-4-inch plastic dish is a perfect place for you to sleep and live if you are a block of hand soap. If you are…
Commentary

I’d Sooner Let My Family Starve Than Exaggerate My Marketing Experience On My Resume

In the world of business, integrity is everything. There has to be a baseline level of trust, or the entire system collapses. That’s why I…
News

Vatican Formally Recognizes First Gen Z Demon

VATICAN CITY—In a milestone many Roman Catholics hope will bring the church into the 21st century, Vatican officials issued a statement Tuesday formally recognizing Generation…
Weddings

Reyna Cobb and Luke Butler

The bride and groom want to call what happened on Saturday a wedding, but it wasn’t even in a church—and they both wore tennis shoes!

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