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Tourist Impressed By Size Of Chicago Residents

CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size…
Politics

Exclusive Interview With Kamala Harris

With Joe Biden stepping aside from the 2024 presidential race, the Democratic Party has put its money, manpower, and fate in the hands of Kamala…
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Our Historic Front Page: August 2024
Politics

Stammering Democrats Unsure How To Accept Positive Feedback

CHICAGO—Admitting this was the first time in quite a while they’d heard anything remotely close to positive feedback, stammering and confused Democratic National Committee leaders…
Politics

Tim Walz Unveils New Retro-Futurist Persona After Feeling Boxed In By Folksy Image

CHICAGO—Informing the crowd at the Democratic National Convention that he had come from a distant and unimaginable realm ruled by robotic beings, Democratic vice presidential…
Politics

Tim Walz Writes ‘Great Job’ On Supporter’s Baby

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Inside The DNC’s Convention Center
From Global Tetrahedron

Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘The Onion’

Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has…

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