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Obituaries

Sarah Carney

Sarah Carney, 64, died peacefully last weekend. In lieu of flowers, the family asks if you would mind picking up one of her legs and…
Weddings

Betty Greenberg and Stephen Harold

So many musicians were hired for this pair’s lavish wedding band that a new instrument had to be invented called the harmoniaphone.
Real Estate

Crenellated Aesthetic

For those who know what “crenellated” means, like we do, this house has it (or them). Crenels here, crenels there. Just a ton of that…
Sports

Dana White Can’t Believe Rabbits Still Getting Beneath Octagon Fence

LAS VEGAS—Shaking his head in frustration after staff pulled yet another wriggling cottontail from the canvas mat, UFC president Dana White expressed disbelief Friday that…
Commentary

Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process

Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of…
Entertainment

Divorce Rumors Swirl After Hailey Bieber Spotted With Justin’s Severed Head

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In a widely shared photo that sparked divorce rumors, model Hailey Bieber was spotted taking a walk Wednesday with husband Justin Bieber’s severed…

Local

Friend Being Cagey About What She’s Going To Order

EVANSTON, IL—After casually asking what she was thinking about getting, patrons at a local restaurant confirmed Tuesday that a friend they were dining with had…
Politics

RFK Jr. Fires Piss Czar

WASHINGTON—In a stunning shake-up that has sent shock waves through a department already roiled by upheaval, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.…
Entertainment

TLC Sues ‘1000-Lb Sisters’ For Losing Weight

SILVER SPRING, MD—Accusing the pair of a severe breach of contract, TLC filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the stars of 1000-lb Sisters for losing too…
News

EPA To Monarch Butterflies: ‘Count Your Fucking Days’

WASHINGTON—Amid a series of sudden actions overhauling landmark federal conservation regulations, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a public statement Friday warning monarch butterflies to “count…
Local

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today

CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday…
News

Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist

ARLINGTON, VA—In a finding that researchers confirmed could greatly assist in identifying potential bad actors, a study released Friday by the Department of Defense concluded…

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