Vol 61: Issue 42

American Voices

Travis Kelce Part Of Investor Group Aiming To Revive Six Flags

An investor group that includes Travis Kelce has acquired about 9% of Six Flags Entertainment Corporation, planning to advocate for strategic changes to improve visitor…
Football, Sports

Andy Reid Urges Chris Jones To Soak In Hot Tub Filled With Chopped Vegetables

KANSAS CITY, MO—Insisting it would help the six-time Pro Bowler recover from the aches and pains of the grueling NFL season, Chiefs head coach Andy…
Football, Sports

Mascot Doing Fentanyl Fold
American Voices

Young Republicans Under Fire Over Racist, Homophobic Group Chat

Young Republican leaders sparked bipartisan condemnation over a leaked cache of thousands of racist, antisemitic, and homophobic texts, with Vice President JD Vance dismissing the…
Politics

‘Thank You For That Question,’ Responds Eric Adams To Swarm Of Rats He Forced To Act Out Debate

NEW YORK—Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to correct the record against his opponents, current New York City mayor and former candidate for reelection Eric Adams…
Politics

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

NEW YORK—Casting doubt on the mayoral candidate’s ability to effectively carry out the duties of the office, critics assailed New York State Rep. Zohran Mamdani…

News

Researchers Identify Gene Responsible For Visualizing Murder After Touching Missing Person’s Sweater

STANFORD, CA—Shedding new light on the rare trait’s origins, researchers at the Stanford School of Medicine announced Friday that they had successfully identified the gene…
Politics

Kristi Noem Looms In Background During Entire Episode Of ‘90 Day Fiancé’

WASHINGTON—Describing the secretary of homeland security’s cameo on the reality show as “highly unnerving,” viewers reported Friday that Kristi Noem can be seen looming in…
Politics

Pete Hegseth Walks Fully Nude Around Newly Press-Free Pentagon

ARLINGTON, VA—Whistling and cheerfully pumping his arms as he strolled through the corridors of the U.S. military’s headquarters, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reportedly walked…
Local

Pros And Cons Of Using ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’

Services such as Klarna, Affirm, and AfterPay, which offer users “buy now, pay later” financing, have surged in popularity among U.S. consumers. The Onion examines…
American Voices

Smucker’s Sues Trader Joe’s Over Uncrustables Dupe

The J.M. Smucker Co. is suing Trader Joe’s for allegedly copying its Uncrustables frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, claiming the products’ crimped edges and…
American Voices

Instagram Restricts Teens To PG-13 Content

Instagram will by default limit teens to PG-13 content on its platform, while also not allowing them to change their settings without a parent’s permission.…