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Vol 61: Issue 42

Sports

Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle

LOS ANGELES—Narrowing his eyes and raising a single finger to silence those around him, local dad Mark Fahlen reportedly shushed his entire family Thursday evening…
Entertainment

Charli XCX Escalates Feud By Luring Travis Kelce Away With Beef Stick
Local

Drive Through Rich Neighborhood Exposes Dad’s Shortcomings As Provider

ST. LOUIS—According to sources inside the 2006 Honda Civic, area father Michael Lothan’s drive home Wednesday, which took a shortcut through a nearby wealthy neighborhood,…
Local

Parrot Lying
News

Study Finds Voices Should Sound Normal Through Walkie-Talkies By Now

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies…
American Voices

Government Shutdown Causes Flight Delays

U.S. travelers have faced mounting flight delays as the ongoing government shutdown causes staffing strain among air traffic controllers. What do you think?

News

Political Profile: Russell Vought

Russell Vought, director of the Office of Management and Budget and a key architect of the ultra-conservative Project 2025, made waves recently by advocating for…
Local

‘Try Not To Stare At Her Mouth,’ Says Mom In Ominous Update On Grandma’s Health
Local

Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would…
News

Financial Advisors Recommend Throwing Away Unopened Bills

NEW YORK—Calling the strategy an “effective solution” for anyone feeling weighed down by economic hardship, a group of leading financial advisors recommended Tuesday throwing any…
Local

Impressionable Teen Falls In With Wrong Socioeconomic Class

LARCHMONT, NY—Noting the 16-year-old had too big of an inheritance ahead of him to throw it all away, the parents of local teen Sutton Langford…
Football, Sports

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic…

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