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Football, Sports

Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Admitting they may have overlooked some key physical metrics in the evaluation process, the New England Patriots front office told reporters Sunday the team…
Football, Sports

Dan Snyder Walking Around Commanders Stadium Knocking Food Out Of People’s Hands
Football, Sports

Mike McDaniel Coaches Game Lying Facedown On Sideline
Football, Sports

Aaron Rodgers Suffers Torn Cerebellum After Attempting Telepathic Audible

PITTSBURGH—In a devastating setback that could sideline the quarterback for weeks, sources confirmed Sunday that Aaron Rodgers suffered a torn cerebellum after attempting a telepathic…
American Voices

Ex-Quarterback Mark Sanchez Charged With Felony Battery

Former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez faces a felony battery charge after allegedly confronting a 69-year-old truck driver at a hotel loading dock, with the driver…
Football, Sports

Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies

Football, Sports

Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Describing the practice as “vital to player development,” researchers at Harvard University published a study Monday that shows immediate skin-to-skin contact between NFL coaches…
Football, Sports

Giants Players Horrified To Learn Uniforms Have Names On Back

ARLINGTON, TX—Panicking at the realization that their personal reputations had been directly tied to the team’s dismal performance in recent years, several members of the…
Football, Sports

Patriots To Stop Serving Alcohol To Players After 3rd Quarter

FOXBOROUGH, MA—In an effort to promote a safer environment at Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots announced Wednesday that they would stop serving alcohol to…
Football, Sports

Micah Parsons Unnerved By Deafening Roar Of 80,000 Packers Fans Catching Breath
Football, Sports

‘People Who Go In That Locker Room Come Out…Different,’ Jets Custodian Warns Aaron Glenn

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Speaking grimly as he mopped the floor beneath flickering fluorescent lights, longtime MetLife Stadium custodian Keith Browning reportedly approached first year New York…
American Voices

Trump Threatens Stadium Deal If Washington Commanders Don’t Change Name Back

President Donald Trump called for the Washington Commanders to change their name back to a previous one deemed offensive to Native Americans, threatening the NFL…

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