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Vol 60: Issue 36

Local

Woman With Disease Sent Article About Celebrity With Disease
News

Vatican City Police Unveil New Unit Of Sin-Sniffing Dogs

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a…
Local

Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough…
American Voices

Taylor Swift Endorses Harris

Taylor Swift came out in support of Vice President Kamala Harris in the race for president, ending speculation about whether the superstar singer would share…
Magazine

Our Devices: They’re Listening, Sure, But Do They Really Get Us?
Entertainment

Most Shocking Takeaways From HBO’s New ‘Sopranos’ Documentary

In celebration of the series’s 25th anniversary, HBO has released Wise Guy: David Chase And The Sopranos, a new two-part documentary about the making of the…

Local

Man Replies ‘STOP’ To Political Fundraiser Text Like Powerful Wizard Casting Spell To Ward Off Mythical Beast

CHICAGO—In an act of astonishing fortitude that showed he drew upon a seemingly endless well of mystic strength, local man Anthony Palmer reportedly replied “STOP”…
News

Dawn Unveils New Small Silver Bell For Summoning Butler To Deal With Dishes

CINCINNATI—Saying the new product offered its customers a way to clean up after-dinner messes with 100% less scrubbing, the dishwashing brand Dawn announced Thursday it…
American Voices

U.N. Chief Calls Gaza Death Toll Worst He’s Seen

Saying Gaza had experienced the worst death and destruction he had seen in his nearly eight-year tenure, U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres demanded an end to…
News

Sweetgreen Expands Line Of Kids’ Meals For Adult Women With Eating Disorders

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better cater to its customer base, Sweetgreen unveiled an expanded line of kids’ meals Wednesday for adult women with eating…
News

Baby Boomers Leave Entire $78.55 Trillion Fortune To Single Spoiled Pomeranian

NEW YORK—Noting that the 5-year-old purebred ultimately meant more to them than any of their ungrateful, deadbeat children, the nation’s baby boomers reportedly decided Wednesday…
Local

‘I Can’t See It,’ Reports Child At Every Zoo Exhibit

EVERYWHERE—Emphasizing that the creature was nowhere to be found, every child at every zoo exhibit across the planet reported Wednesday that they couldn’t see the…

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